Feelings x100 and Caring For Them
I never feel only one thing. I am tired and exhausted, because I feel a dozen things at the same time all the time. Half of those feeling are because of fear. So, the feelings I am feeling are often antagonizing each other, goading each other, threatening each other, braving each other…If I feel, say, amused, at a particular moment, that feeling is immediately followed or accompanied by another feeling out of fear of the reaction I will get for feeling amused. So, I will judge myself and then feel, on top of amused, trepidation, self-doubt, annoyance, exasperation, anger…
I am happy to be able to articulate this. <Gratitude>
But I am also perplexed and bewildered…. How do I gear this all down?
Taking care of myself, ‘re-parenting’, is I think one of the ways, if not THE way.
Re-parenting is, some would say, “going back to the stage in which the adult was wronged and satisfying or making peace with the inner child hidden inside by giving the response and fulfilling the needs that were required at that time by self counseling or therapy”
This is definitely useful for me. I would like to write down examples of this… But what I think will help me very much is (re)parenting myself in the present. Or ‘taking care of myself’ in the present. (btw, I think that ‘taking care of myself’ is a much more loaded phrase and idea than it ever has been for me…)
I am discovering, in my case anyway, that re-parenting has subtleties… It requires acceptance of my past-that I wasn’t taken care of but also that I was still worthy of being cared for despite that and that I am worthy of being cared for now. Oh, and acceptance of my present-that I need taking care of and that I am the best person for that job. A lot of self-loathing and flagulation have to be given up in order to even hear my own thoughts and feelings, to notice my own pain and needs… One does learn, if you weren’t cared for, to live without it and that wanting it or being cared for are scary and have bad consequences…
I am only JUST beginning to give my needs the attention they have always craved, and only JUST settling with the idea that I can respond to and fulfill them. I am 40 years old. And I will learn from now, a self-value that I shockingly acted like I had but never did…
I am so proud of such a small and silly moment this past weekend where I didn’t let myself eat too late so that I could hopefully avoid bad dreams. I wish that the propensity to notice and listen and respond to myself was so automatic that I could be responding to my needs all the time.
Unfortunately, the healing doesn’t happen in a straight line, in a logical order, or in a way that I can even describe as I am going through it. That is why we find such pleasure in stories, accounts, reflections… Because looking back is the only vantage point from which to see that it makes sense exactly how it played out.
I pray that my connection in this world, this Power of Life that I call my higher power, continues to provide me with a stable center as I swing and flap and waver in the winds of emotional turmoil and change.
Take good care KS.