This spoke loudly to me last night. It goaded me… I read it and I also, in my own gut, saw: “knowing how to live with myself is central to the art of living. When I can really ‘live’ with myself I can live with others without needing them to make up for the living for myself that I haven’t done yet”…
I immediately thought about what it must be like to live with me… I even try to be invisible to myself. And then I resent myself for it… It made me terribly aware of the distraction that other people have been as I have tried to ‘escape’. Escape what, I ask myself… Escape this entire life. Escape this house of cards I have built for myself with denial and performance…
To live with oneself…Really ‘live’ with oneself… To me, it is a dare. In the best sense of the word. Being solitary is living alone with frankness, sincerity, bold self-truth, peace, fulfillment and satisfaction. If I find it painful to even brush my teeth before I go to bed, just because I feel lonely with my own self, then how am I to be happy, period… Others must feel lonely with me too?! I expect others to live with me with respect and consideration and love and gentleness…But I do not do that for my own self…!
The gauntlet has been thrown by my higher power: can I live with myself? I am invited to care for myself and live at the same time. More than just breathe and ‘do what I am supposed to do’. Can I really ‘live’ with myself. And how will I do it? Life begins….Now.
Yesterday: how did I live with myself with respect, consideration, attentiveness, love, gentleness?
– I let myself rest in bed before getting up
– I fed myself well (except for the candy)
– I took myself to Yoga even though my work is overflowing, gave myself what I need
– I prayed for myself
– I meditated
– I thought of plans to make for myself
– I tried to discipline myself, structure my own day, to help me get my writing done
Today: living with myself…
– I meditated.
– I made myself a good lunch.
– I took a little pressure off of myself to do ‘everything’
– I had patience
– I drove through the snow to school with mindfulness; reminded myself that the obsessive thinking I was doing on the way to school could get me into an accident and reminded myself that they are only thoughts, those events are in the past, and that I can do differently from now on.
– I wrote this post.
I will live well with myself. I will be a good roommate. I will be a good partner in life to myself. I will be conscious as I live with myself. I will accompany myself through everything the best I can, and never let anyone take my place… I will not escape my world when I am afraid, I will be there, in my life, to see things through. I am not alone.
Thank you for this day, 24 hours of opportunity to live with myself as I need and want. Live with awareness and intention…and with care and gentleness. I will take care of my self, and my life…