Working out the Everyday
Every day I would like to
– self parent
– do my self-care
– start off on the right foot
– see my goals and work towards, both my work and interpersonal goals
Today I woke up early (6:30) and was happy I slept about 9 hours because I am so jet-lagged. I rested in bed a bit (worrying a little about getting out of bed and how bad it feels to be alone right now). Then I got out of bed, meditated with my new すず or japanese singing bowl. I meditated on the terrible feeling I have of aloneness, not fighting it or trying to survive it but rather sitting right in front of it, with it, with its heaviness, breathing in good and breathing out the negative things that I think and feel around that feeling.
Then I did an essentrics posture workout, just a short one, which has really helped to relieve me of pain at the start of the day. Then I took my frozen blueberries out of the freezer for breakfast, fed kitty, told myself ‘I love you’ in the mirror, twice, downloaded photos from my phone, and let kitty outside.
Now I am writing this, and thinking about what time I will be at an alanon meeting this morning and what I will do for the rest of the beginning of the day.
As I was sitting earlier, I wondered if I will be able to make this self-care and re-parenting a thing every morning. How will I do it when I feel so rushed and slow with work and with my life each day. I don’t yet have all of the energy and desire to enjoy myself everyday. I do however, have a better understanding of what I need to do to change that lack of feeling for each day. I have to stop looking for the pleasure somewhere else. I will start to work on doing what I can to create and develop love and worth for myself, so that the things I need to do and the things I want to do actually feel important enough for me to do even when other people seem to be in the way or louder, or more important. AFter all, I need to know how important I am and my things are to me in order to know how important I and my things need to be to someone else. I need to be my own meter stick. My love for myself, and my connection to this world…the importance of those to me are the meter stick against which I need to measure whether I am being cared for enough by others and giving myself enough in the midst of others.