Feeling Everything – What does my loneliness feel like…look like?

I’ve been participating in 12-step codependence recovery for almost 7 months now. The other day I had another ‘relapse’. Emotionally drunk outburst at my alcoholic (not recovering) ex, for something like not calling me back. It was a pile of pain and feelings that was about a lot more than a phone call, but the non-call set me off like what felt like a pile of bombs inside. And of course I let a bunch detonate with my mouth.

In the aftermath I was struck, even more than I have before (which has happened numerous times), by my emotional dependence…by the need I think I have for him to validate, acknowledge, love, listen to, care for, etc etc…me. My fear of being alone screamed at me. It strangles me. I have not been enjoying being alone. Not really. I have enjoyed being safer after moving out from him. I have enjoyed not dreading coming home to someone with a buzz on, or drunk, or not home because he was drunk or doing things that he didn’t want to tell me…And I have definitely enjoyed the space to remember what it is like not to have to anticipate all of those things. But I certainly have not been comfortable being ‘alone’, just with myself. And now I know it well. Because after all of this time (I moved out in September of 2011, and then back in in November…and then back out in December…movers and everything), I am just now feeling this loneliness more to the surface than ever before… I used to want to stay home and do yoga because I was in so much emotional pain I didn’t feel like I could go out, and I didn’t want people to look at me. Now I feel like I must go to a yoga studio for my yoga, and be around people, or I will go even more batty.

Loneliness feels worse than I feel I can actually write here. It is feeling stuck to the bed in the morning. It is a weight on my body, it is pain when I think of eating or exercising or stretching…it is desperation to talk to a man who causes me so much pain when I talk to him that I have a hole in my stomach the size of a football…That is fear of being alone. It is anger at everything and everyone.


About wonderfulshantelle

Journey To My Wonderful Self

Posted on January 11, 2013, in Addiction, codependence, emotional abuse, Relationship. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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