Feeling Everything – What does my loneliness feel like…look like?
I’ve been participating in 12-step codependence recovery for almost 7 months now. The other day I had another ‘relapse’. Emotionally drunk outburst at my alcoholic (not recovering) ex, for something like not calling me back. It was a pile of pain and feelings that was about a lot more than a phone call, but the non-call set me off like what felt like a pile of bombs inside. And of course I let a bunch detonate with my mouth.
In the aftermath I was struck, even more than I have before (which has happened numerous times), by my emotional dependence…by the need I think I have for him to validate, acknowledge, love, listen to, care for, etc etc…me. My fear of being alone screamed at me. It strangles me. I have not been enjoying being alone. Not really. I have enjoyed being safer after moving out from him. I have enjoyed not dreading coming home to someone with a buzz on, or drunk, or not home because he was drunk or doing things that he didn’t want to tell me…And I have definitely enjoyed the space to remember what it is like not to have to anticipate all of those things. But I certainly have not been comfortable being ‘alone’, just with myself. And now I know it well. Because after all of this time (I moved out in September of 2011, and then back in in November…and then back out in December…movers and everything), I am just now feeling this loneliness more to the surface than ever before… I used to want to stay home and do yoga because I was in so much emotional pain I didn’t feel like I could go out, and I didn’t want people to look at me. Now I feel like I must go to a yoga studio for my yoga, and be around people, or I will go even more batty.
Loneliness feels worse than I feel I can actually write here. It is feeling stuck to the bed in the morning. It is a weight on my body, it is pain when I think of eating or exercising or stretching…it is desperation to talk to a man who causes me so much pain when I talk to him that I have a hole in my stomach the size of a football…That is fear of being alone. It is anger at everything and everyone.