What Is It That He Does
Reflecting on G and how I feel when he is around, how he makes me feel when we talk, when we spend time together…:
– I miss him in some surreal way because he makes me know that he loves me
– and at the same time though, he takes something every moment I am in contact with him. I feel this rock in my stomach about talking to him…Like he is kryptonite, like I lose…something. When I can put my finger on what that is, put a descriptor to it, name it, then I will know everything about us. I will know what I want and don’t want when it comes to him.
It’s like he won’t let me feel entitled…to love. He won’t let me feel…a need for him. He won’t entirely give himself… He won’t even let me feel…care…think…It’s like I’m one of those wind-up toys and he is a wall that keeps on calling my name. I keep on running into the wall and falling over, spinning my feet, and being set back up to run into the wall again…
If I could put my finger on what he crushes in me, every time I face him, or give to him, or offer a moment of my time or thought…
His message is that I can’t have _____