Seeing Me and my Life
I was on my way to meditation today and as usual I had been rushing. Because I tried to fit in doing a few more things than I had planned this morning. I did yoga, fed the kitty, drank my lemon water, answered emails from students, checked readings, presentation schedule, started a couple of powerpoints. And then I started making food, which I hadn’t planned to do this morning. I finished making fried rice and washed up before leaving for meditation but I was pressed – squeezing, squeezing, hoping I would not be late for meditation at 12:15. I put myself through that a lot. I do not stand back and look at what I have on my plate and arrange my everyday so that I both give myself time I need for things and to get places, and excuse myself from doing things that I won’t have time for. I do not look realistically at myself an my thing to do, and my own propensities so as to give myself a day where I am not struggling with such desperation. When I struggle like that I am also being hard on myself inside as though I should be fitting everything in. As though I should have gotten up earlier, etc, etc. I am not fair to myself. And I do not know how to be. Feels counter-intuitive.
And then in guided meditation we were instructed to let go of intruding thoughts, images, as we were concentrating on meditation. Good lesson. When I am concentrating on one thing I can put other things off until I am finished. If they are unkind or OCD thoughts, I can also let them go.
Maybe that will help.
Right now I am sitting at a cafe with the intention of knocking a couple of specific things off of my list of to-do’s. I’ll try that method. Being conscious if the interrupting thoughts and feelings and if they are not necessary (hunger etc) I will let go of them until I am finished my tasks…
I think I can also have another look at my week with realistic and compassionate eyes and prepare to do the same thing…