Today’s Pain (powerlessness and unmanageability)
I feel like I am one of those ugly alien babies, born unnaturally into the world and writhing as though the air in contact with my visceral looking skin is excruciating. Just ‘being’ is unbearable…breathing, sitting, thinking, smiling, crying…hoping. I should not be here like this. This is not my skin.
This is powerlessness and unmanageability. I get it.
Again I have to give in… Not that I have yet. Again I am REMINDED that I
just must give in. How? That is what is stopping me.
It’s knocking on my door…banging with a monster’s force, actually…it’s loud and the door is cracking. So many cracks I can see right through. I can see it trying to get through. The hinges are loose but holding on with the strength of a slider web… And I’m still resisting. It’s coming after me with explosive, explosiveness. I just don’t know what to do when it gets me…!!! It will show me what I really am, when I don’t do anything, when I am all that is left. With no will, no effort, no show, no dance, no pretend…
I’m afraid once I come face to face with it, or myself… I won’t be able to move. I’m afraid I won’t be able to do anything. I will fail at everything. I have not learned to live without these desperate things i do. Everything I’ve built will stop. Dissipate like the illusion that they are, into a pile of sand. When i give in, you, world will not let me do the only things I know how to do. My relationship with you will be so.
I am afraid…I may as well turn into a stone statue. Petrified.
It’s funny to learn that I haven’t accepted it, my powerlessness and unmanageability. After these months. These years. Ive been working on things.
That’s all this suffering means, that I haven’t yet accepted it. I am at the mercy of my world. The laws that are beyond us insignificant human beings. I havent let my world take care of things. Take care of me. Enough. Only in moments.
Crazy expectations I have had of others and myself. Low, low I feel.
I just don’t understand my responsibilities in this world. Or the new responsibilities are so new and foreign. Like a different language. Responsibility for me has a meaning I am really intimidated by, that I am terrified to take on…? The responsibility of leaving worldly things to the world. The things outside of me.
I take care of only me. The things inside of me that need my attention. Murky but true.