Today I needed to reparent myself. Guy swore at me when I was biking. I erupted with pissiness in response. Caught up to him and told home ‘someone is going to _uck him over today.’
Was just like I was sitting up in a tree, swearing at Robert when I was a little girl.
1) Wow, just in this moment realized I learned that from my mother!!!!!!!!! She has blamed and resented so much. So much that I don’t want to be around her. At all. I cannot take me doing it and seeing her doing it, reminding me of how deep in crap I am with her. I don’t even want to think about being ‘with’ her in any way.
2) I first thought – as I was thinking about it this morning – that I needed to parent myself – tell myself that I am sorry that happened to me, that I must have been scared and felt so terrified that no one was there to save me. Robert felt so big and not within my ability to get away from. And I was so angry about having no one to call. No one to depend on… I felt like more of an inconvenience than a child to be cared for, more like baggage that was awkward and annoying and a creature that my mother did not understand. I do want to do that. But it is also nice to see more clearly now what i have modelled my reactions after…
To re-parent myself, I have to handle things like and adult, and comfort myself (the child that is still there) in my feelings of aloneness and despair and desperation and anger.
Shantelle, you were scared today. But you have a safe place to be. I am here taking care of things. Be open to and give attention to your feelings. There is lots of room for them. They are you very important and very significant feelings. If you pay attention to them enough you will know the right thing to do about them.
When I feel upset, comfort myself first. Sit with it. Write down how I am feeling, not how angry I am at someone.
Like today, when dude swore at me out of his car, I felt unsafe. I felt in jeopardy. I felt endangered, indefensible, threat, small and breakable, susceptible to the worst possible state – death but not death. Susceptible to crushing. Susceptible to complete isolation and aloneness…
If I am to take care of myself, how do I respond to those things? (It’s like a mean trivia question, because I was not taught to pay any attention, which is why I am in this deep hole.)
I learned from my mother to lash out. I saw her just call John names and cry and manipulate, and be openly resentful and ugly.
She is still acting like that. Youch!!
The revelations just keep on coming…
Instead of being hurt and dealing with her own feelings and taking care of herself…she put everything on John, showed us that, and then moved on to others as though there was a better man out there.
I do the exact same thing. Unbelievable. I try not to look angry and resentful, but I recognize that much of the anger I feel is the resentment that I am acting out just like my mother has.
I have not even really clearly seen it. Amazing.