Look At Myself: Difficult

Every time I get irate thinking about how others are acting towards me it is difficult to bring my gaze back to myself…

I haven’t really gone through what has happened to me and faced and accepted how I have felt. Funny that I’m only still learning what that means, giving time and place for my own feelings. It feels so foreign and uncomfortable. I am so angry but seem to fall down the slippery slope of hearing it in my head or feeling it and then quickly skittering away before I can be too overwhelmed. Perhaps that is the first thing I did as a kid. Deny the feelings because they were too much for me to handle as a kid. It feels like the end of the world because you are a kid. I felt so ill-equipped and confused that I deferred to my mother… Rationalizing. She never addressed my feelings so why should I learn that it was necessary? It was easy to hide in what seemed like safe thoughts, waiting for things to get better, waiting for someone to notice, waiting for whatever was supposed to happen next.

I can’t hide any more. But in order to let my current feelings out, I have to go back and let out the old ones. Practice? Cleaning out the ghosts and cobwebs in my proverbial closet(s)…? Getting to know myself so that I have a better understanding of what to do with my current feelings…?

I am an adult. Doesn’t entirely feel like it yet…


About wonderfulshantelle

Journey To My Wonderful Self

Posted on August 23, 2012, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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