I went for self-help today even though I feel like a complete failure with work.
I feel that the best thing for me to do is to go to school, even though I have not had the courage to go. (Maybe tomorrow).
I learned today that my difficulty with going to school is most likely because of my fear of authority – learned in a dysfunctional relationship with my parents when I was young. I am afraid of disapproval… I associate it with not being loved, being useless, being disappointing, being bad, not being a good person, being disowned as a daughter, making someone I care about angry, hurting their feelings… Wow, that’s a lot of baggage for just needing to go to school and do my job…
I also learned that part of the reason I don’t go is that I pile on the negative feelings as I mentally punish myself for not going, for not working faster, for writing what I think is a third-rate paper…
I wish I knew how to stop punishing myself. I wish I knew how to do something different. I need affirmations for this one I think 🙂
I am a good worker, I am a good writer. I understand my material. I can recognize good and bad writing. I can express myself. I can express my knowledge.
I love and accept myself even though my everyday action seems ruled by fear and anger these days. I love myself because I know I want better. I love myself just the way I am.