I went to a meeting today. Was looking forward to it. Feels strange that my life is here. Going to meetings. They are on my schedule. They are important. They are part of my health.
I tried to get myself up to go to school but it didnt happen. I was down. And I didn’t bother to pay attention to why until I went to the meeting. I didn’t work first, before recreation today and I rationalized that. It didn’t feel good. It felt good to lay on my sofa though. But it felt bad to not be doing the endless list of work things I have to do. I guess I was just waiting for a meeting.
When I got to the meeting I was annoyed. No one was there who had gotten the materials. And the person who did was too controlling. I just sat, and tried to feel. And I just watched things happen. I didn’t end up sharing. As the meeting went on I felt bad about that, but not long before the end it occurred to me, well a couple of things. I was just happy to be there. The guilt or sense of obligation i had about not sharing dissipated quickly – i realized that it was ok to just be happy to be there. I was happy that all of those other people had shown up. Period. And I was happy I had. That is what it is there for. And listening to other people helped me realize that i just needed to take a little time to notice myself. And I had been punishing myself all day. That is what that dull angry feeling is. Little things are annoying when I feel that way.
And after that I imagined the face I was looking at myself with(johns) and the thoughts I was looking at myself with(mom and john’s). And then it is easy for me to know what words and eyes I want coming at me when I am worried about doing what I ‘should’ be doing. I want to respond gently to my own feelings of self-flagellation. And smile at myself and comfort myself with patience and faith.