Just passed one of G’s friends. Face to face. He just looked at me. I was not stared until after I passed him, because he just looked at me with a straight face. Then so many things started flooding in about what g has probably said to him, what he was thinking when he saw me… Those things made me lose my breath. The fact that g will make it out like I don’t care about him and like I am some high-horse riding b out to get him. I felt not a trace of animosity toward his friend in that moment, just felt like shit, because his friend knows exactly what I was dealing with, just like he knows what his own wife is dealing with with him. In my mind i said to him ‘if you were a good friend you would have told him 100 times that he should be a strong man and get help because she loves you an wants to be with you forever.” Such a sordid web of information… All of the things I know about them, and they will talk me into the gutter for just saving myself. I can get really confused about what is right and wrong…And now I’ve sat back down to work and feel startled and anxious and like I want to cry. Trust and faith can be so misplaced… I so misplace it. I do the same as g. Invest in something I know is too risky and that is going to sink before it sails.
When I feel this bad I don’t want anyone to get to know me.
I feel my judgment.
I feel my fear and shame.
Is the 12step process really the way up.? I really need up out of this.