I am sitting drafting a chapter of my thesis.
I realized just now that I have been terrified for months if not years, of the prospect of not being able to actually ‘write a thesis’… It’s true. I could say that yes, I decided to do my phd because I wanted to do something… that really came from me, that was my own, that no one could deny. I was a dreamer. I have always been a dreamer for as long as I can remember, because the reality of everyday life has always felt so bleak. Always feeling dread when it comes to ‘home’ things, or ‘family’ things. Those have been such lonely things, and they have constructed loneliness and bleakness in me. I am afraid to feel optimistic. I pat myself on the back because I am just always trying to stay optimistic inside this bleak world that I have not ‘really’ been able to step out of.
But right now I am writing my thesis. I am actually writing it. And although I have the perspective that I have to hold my breath, that I cannot congratulate myself for sending off sections last night, or for the chapter I WILL send off tonight, I should remember to make that effort.
I have given worry and panic over to my beautiful worldly and nature-like higher power a couple of times today. Maybe I can give over the bleakness for tonight too.