Performance Anxiety

Finding out about my ex cheating and going behind my back, period, after the fact has made me irate.

And this morning has been an exercise in self-control and a little loss of self-control, but mostly self-control. But I have still lost enough self-control in my anger to know that codependence will kill me. In my anger, i will go places that sink me as low as the person who angered me. I think that codependence has brought me to the point where I will let myself be destroyed by that other person just so that I can blame them for my destruction. I will let myself crash and burn just to point at myself and say “see what they did!!” without thinking about the consequences for myself. I was on the verge of it this morning. How completely insane.

I know there is something better. I just don’t know how to believe it. Knowing and believing are two different things. I really need to believe. Desperate to believe, before I shoot myself in the foot for the 100th time and it is irrecoverable.


About wonderfulshantelle

Journey To My Wonderful Self

Posted on July 5, 2012, in codependence, emotional abuse, physical abuse, Relationship. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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