Finding out about my ex cheating and going behind my back, period, after the fact has made me irate.
And this morning has been an exercise in self-control and a little loss of self-control, but mostly self-control. But I have still lost enough self-control in my anger to know that codependence will kill me. In my anger, i will go places that sink me as low as the person who angered me. I think that codependence has brought me to the point where I will let myself be destroyed by that other person just so that I can blame them for my destruction. I will let myself crash and burn just to point at myself and say “see what they did!!” without thinking about the consequences for myself. I was on the verge of it this morning. How completely insane.
I know there is something better. I just don’t know how to believe it. Knowing and believing are two different things. I really need to believe. Desperate to believe, before I shoot myself in the foot for the 100th time and it is irrecoverable.