Self-Worth =

when you feel like there is nothing more important than how you feel

– when I am scared I do not defer to someone else’s claims about how I feel. I protect myself even though they tell me that I have nothing to be afraid of, that I am not scared, or not THAT scared.

– when I am happy, or want to be happy, I do not put off the things I am doing that make me happy, or wait for someone else to do things with me that will make me happy. I do those things without delay. I go for a walk, I eat something I think is delicious, I call someone I am looking forward to talking to, I sleep in, I wake up early, I go swimming, I have people over, I water the plants, I dig in the garden, I sit in the hammock…

when the things you do are the most important

– I clean when it is convenient for me, when I plan to. I come home when it feels right for me, when I am tired, when I want to eat dinner… I go for a bike ride when I need to clear my head, I practice my languages when I feel like it.

Feeling self-worth is feeling as though your needs and feelings are more important than anything in the moment. You don’t feel like taking anything from anyone else, you only feel like taking care of your feelings, like putting yourself into what you do. You do not accept inconsideration when you feel like you want to

– go to bed

– wake up early, wake up late

– eat healthy, eat

– express your dissatisfaction

– express your fear

– express your frustration

– express your worry

– express your happiness

– work late

– eat dinner early

– express anger

– do yoga

– do nothing

– buy a patio table

My time is mine. My space is mine. My presence and my contributions are invaluable.

Even this time and space and all of these feelings that are some of the most painful I have ever had are invaluable, deserve respect, deserve attention, deserve to exist.

It is hard to believe that everything I am and everything I do is so important when I feel this bad. When I feel wrong because someone else complains about what I have ‘done to them’.

Wow…this is all exhausting.

So, if I have self-worth, this is all important:

Alfons is laying on my shoulder while I type in bed. The comfort that I feel typing in bed, the security of being in the comfy place is the most important thing at this moment. The pain I have in my arm(s) is causing me to be discouraged about doing my work. This is also important. The loss I feel in this last day or so as G has disappeared (again) is almost unbearable. (But I am willing to release the need for unhealthy relationships, especially the need for that unhealthy relationship). The fact that I compromise so much to feel such a small trace of caring scares the crap out of me. That is also one of the most important things today. I feel like nothing because I overlook so much disregard and disrespect to get traces of what appears to me to be love… The real situation in that is that I learned to do that when I got so little attention and care when I was young. I will break that pattern of accepting blatant disrespect, of accepting not enough, of accepting only half efforts. I can give myself the full effort. I will release the need for only part of someone’s attention or respect. I will give myself all, and make sure that I do not give that away before I know that someone will take care of it.

I will not do something if I ‘don’t know’ if I want to do it.

I will not do something if I have planned to do something else.

I will not put the smallest needs I have behind someone else’s needs of me. Someone who cares for me the way I need will respect my needs and enjoy watching me meet my own needs. It will make them happy to know that I am satisfied and feel at peace and feel whole because I have done what I need and am in a good place with how I feel (about anything).

Even though I don’t want to see my mother, I deeply and completely love and respect myself.

Even though I feel bad about not wanting to see my mother, I deeply and completely love and respect myself.

Even though I feel the need for less than adequate caring, incomplete pieces, I deeply and completely love and accept myself.

Even though i don’t know and am afraid of complete caring, I deeply and completely love and respect myself.

Even though i doubt that i can give complete caring, I deeply and completely love and accept myself.

Thats it! That’s it too! Because I was not the person for the job but my mother put me in that position, I always felt like the support and caring I gave was inadequate. I didn’t have enough to give and so the boyfriends got all of the positive attention and the extra efforts, and I got the complaining and crying and criticism. My mother didn’t put ‘all of herself’ into me. But it’s not because I didn’t do enough. But that’s what I learned. That’s what she taught me. I didn’t get adequate care because i could not provide what she needed. I was not an adequate ‘partner.’

How do I reconcile that with myself today? Since I can go on with my life with the understanding that there was no way I could have met my mother’s needs because I was (only) her daughter, not a partner… This sense of inadequacy that I have is stuck to me like a leech. I can’t pull it off. This person that I think I am, this inadequate, mistake-making person, this angry unfair person…that I think I am.

It is not an accurate view – to see yourself through someone else’s eyes, to measure or count your accomplishments through someone else’s eyes. Even your mother’s. Trust your own feelings.

I can trust my feelings that

– I didn’t get what i needed.

– I was asked for very unreasonable things when I was young.

– I should not give based solely on someone else’s needs. I should give based on what I know I am capable of (emotionally, materially, etc.)

– I can trust my own feelings as to whether I am caring or generous, etc.

– I can decide. And what I decide will be true and right and good, because I believe so, as a person with a (developing) sense of self-worth.

Yes, K. Let’s just proceed on the assumption, every moment, that I have a sense of self-worth. And a pretty good sense of self-worth at that.

With a sense of self-worth I do not need partial caring, partial love, partial gestures, conditional ones, takers.

With a sense of self-worth, everything I think and decide to do is important, valuable, purposeful.

How do I stay consistent. I fall back into the pattern that feels lazy and fearful every day. How do I nurture and care for myself through this. It is so tiring this change. It is lonely. It is scary. I have voices in my head challenging the thoughts and feelings that I want to have…Saboteur voices. I have bad dreams. All about living and feeling according to someone else’s fears and bad situations.

G hasn’t believed that anything he does or feels is the most important. That made me only as important to his kids as he could feel his life was. I had no chance.

My mother believed that she could not be a good mother without adequate partner help, and I was an inadequate partner, so it was my fault that she wasn’t a good mother. If I could be a good partner, a good help, then she would be a good mother. It was my responsibility to make her a good mother.

What is the truth?

– I now have to do the things I didn’t have the time or freedom to do then, while I was catering to my mother and her situation and her mentality. And I have to do it alone, without the help of parents that are the ones that are supposed to take you through it at a young age so that you don’t screw up too much during adulthood. It’s only now that I learn that I must learn my self-worth. I must do it now. But I am impatient and want it to come instantaneously, because I feel that too much time has been wasted. I feel like it is too late for me to learn self-worth. How long will that take? I will not be able to do other things in ways that will make me happy unless I can do them all ‘the right way’ right now.

– I have ‘some’ self-worth. I have heard myself defend myself. It has upset G to hear my sense of entitlement. I have traces. Please, higher power, give me the patience to pay attention to my feelings every moment today. Please give me the patience to recognize the self-loathing from the self-worth. Please give me the patience and focus to do exactly what my most worthy feelings are asking me to do.

Please give me the strength to focus in each moment today. Please give me the energy to do each thing carefully, for myself. Please give me the strength to DO…in response to my feelings of self-worth, and not in response to the feelings of inadequacy and regret that my mother (and father!) taught me to feel.

Please give me the strength to focus.

Please help me to see value in everything I feel and in everything I do.

Please let me feel important and loving as I do things to get through my day.

Please let everything I do demonstrate that I care about myself.

Please let me show myself caring, nurturing, respect as I do everything today.

Please let me feel respect, value, admiration for myself, even as I sit here, laboring in my mind over how to live today.


About wonderfulshantelle

Journey To My Wonderful Self

Posted on June 25, 2012, in emotional abuse, Relationship. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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