A More Healthy Relationship…

why am I so scared of that.

why do ‘regular’ relationships ‘bore’ me, or maybe scare me, or why do I think they are not ‘real’ relationships?

– because I will not get forgiveness love in them. Those normal people will not forgive me.

– because I feel inadequate

– because if I choose to not be inadequate, if I choose to not feel I am inadequate, I will not take care of them, and then I will not deserve their love. If I strengthen myself I will not placate, I will not give in, I will not compromise, and then there will be no one to love me. And someone will not have any reason to love me.

– I was taught that there was only love to be had when you took care of someone, especially when it was above and beyond what was ‘normal’ or what you were capable of…

I will not give to something that is not my job, that is not my mess, that I cannot save, that is not healthy.

The world feels cold to someone that has gotten caught up in feeling loved only by those she placates or tries to compensate for. I am not familiar enough with the other kind of relationship(s). I do not know what pleasure will come to me for not compensating for other people’s pain and mistakes. What pleasure will come when I am only taking care of my own life?

I guess, they say, that I will have more to give, more to contribute, to my own family, if I ever have one. I will not take things from them that they should not be asked to give. My children will not feel depleted and emotional bankrupt because I will not have exploited them.

I will be able to enjoy the things that I love (adventure, sports, reading, writing) without guilt…constantly.

I will have focus and attention for the things that I am working on that I want to be great. And you will feel the greatness in them because I had my focus and my energy all to myself to put in them.

Well, that’s three good huge things. Ok, that makes a change sound justifiable.


About wonderfulshantelle

Journey To My Wonderful Self

Posted on June 25, 2012, in emotional abuse, Relationship. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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