I am paralyzed, by emotional and physical exhaustion, and heat on top of that.
My arms are killing me, as well as my back, my head, my legs.
I am in a stupor.
I cannot work in this state.
But I am for a few minutes at a time.
Another step forward amidst all this today.
All I did was ask myself: i wonder, will i ever be without this huge mean feeling…? And all of a sudden it was like I could see it separating from me, like one cell separating from another. I have to carry it with me,( for now), but it does not have to be in the centre of me. I need to take care of that ugly dark, heavy, gross angry feeling glob, I have to let it dissipate like scar tissue slowly wears away. I can massage it and hold it feeling what it’s made of, but as the knots in it become loose, and the hard centre gets smaller. I take care of it until it goes away because it has taken care of me. Every single experience, it has told me what felt bad, what was not good for my heart and my body. It made me be mean and lash back. It kept me home and away from situations I could not handle. But it has also held me back. It has kept me in shame. It has reminded me of how bad the worse can feel… But now I will start to learn how to live on my own, without its help and burden.