What do I have?
When I feel empty and lonely from missing him (because physiologically I haven’t gone through withdrawal), please remember what I have, who I am, how I want to live, how I feel about life and the future and my future, and my happiness and what I want to enjoy.
Before/When I me G
I had peace.
I had optimism.
I had calmness.
I had more self-esteem.
I had gumption.
I had clarity.
I didn’t feel this solid 24-hour anxiety.
I could unclench.
I did not feel doom.
I did not feel such pain.
My most inner fears and resentments were not so accessible.
I had not witnessed anger and hate and pain and resentment and self-sabotage and fear and denial (well, maybe since my mom, but we have a bit of a different relationship).
I could swim.
I could bike.
I could walk.
I could smile.
I could share myself with people a little bit.
I have the opportunity to discover those things again now, and even more than those. I now want even more than that.
I do not have to lower my quality of feeling and life to that level in order to be a good person with the person I am with. Being alone is better than being with someone who is and who wants to share that much unhappiness.
One thing may be a blessing. My inner fears and resentments, my childhood baggage have never been to close to the surface for so long… I may be able to really grab them by the roots, throw them by the wayside and move on now. Because they are so accessible. They are so tormenting and ‘itchy’… They are like demons that have to be exorcised…I feel that ugly right now.