Taking responsibility for my feelings…


SweetG: What is it that I’m thinking about you that I’m using as my excuse to not allow myself to be who I really am.

If they have control, if I am giving him responsibility for my happiness, it is a very conditional love. MY love is conditional…?!

SweetG: What is it that I’m thinking about you that I’m using as my excuse to not allow myself to be who I really am.

He is dishonest
He is irresponsible
He is waiting for me to do more.
He is not interested in what I do, how I do things, how hard I work, the situation I am in.
He is more interested in keeping a (dysfunctional) relationship with his ex than forging a quality and healthy future with me
He makes me anxious
He makes me worry
He doesn’t really care about me
He doesn’t really love me
He doesn’t care about what I want to eat
He doesn’t value me or my feelings or my efforts
He won’t plan for our future
He won’t manage his money
He lies to me about who his friends are, about making new friends.
He doesn’t want my friends around
I don’t know when he will be home
I don’t know what time of the day he will drink or be drunk
I don’t know when he will have shit to complain about for hours.

He hits me. And he threatens to hit me.

But
I am not a fool
I am worthy of a comfortable everyday life
I do not have to make up for his neediness
My actions and feelings are so strong and important just because I do them
I am not second-best and I do not like compensating
I do not like secrecy, deception… I like honesty and truthfulness
My feelings are not to be exploited.
I am loving and kind even if he doesn’t love me
I eat well and keep my body healthy even if he doesn’t care about things like that.
My efforts and feelings are the most important things to me even if he doesn’t value them
I will have a happy future even if he does not want to plan for ours.
I will be financially secure even if he goes down the drain.
The relationships that he does not tell me about only mean he is not nice to me, not that I am not nice enough to him
I have excellent friends, even if he doesn’t want them around.
His drinking schedule does not have to affect my activities, schedule,
I do not have to be around or available when he ‘gripes’ about things…

I am not a punching bag. I am not an emotional punching bag either.

I am acting like I can not be happy because he is being a jerk.

 

What does it mean to cherish myself?

when I cherished G I thought about:

– what will be nice to come  home to

– how I want him to hear the love in my voice

– how I want him to feel accepted

– how I want him to feel like he is the most important in my life…

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About wonderfulshantelle

Journey To My Wonderful Self

Posted on May 6, 2012, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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