I knew…me.

Also, when one is distancing themself from a relationship…it can feel helpful to think in selfish, spiteful terms…like: he is going to crash, he is right back where he started without me, he no longer has peace or the potential for peace if he doesn’t have me… he will not have the calm comfort anymore…I am taking that, and he won’t find it again. I am horrified with the idea that I think in those terms, because it holds me to him, it holds me back, and I am not keeping away for him, I am keeping away to spite him. I am taking me away from him…I want him to feel the loss. Rather than taking me to a better place for, just because it is the mature, healthy, nice thing to do for both of us. But i think I want him to feel the loss that I feel that has nothing to do with him. My resentment is strong. My obstinance is hellbent. He will not forsake me without me completely dismissing him. The loss of a person in my life who is supposed to be unconditionally caring and patient, and kind, and thoughtful. A loss of a big big person in my life. He has done it. He has failed. He has not filled those shoes, even though he promised (to some degree…). He has done the opposite. And I am on the warpath, still, for the people who will forsake me, over and over. I dare them to be in my life and not take care of me. They will feel the wrath of Karrie. It is so unfair. Unfair that I am damaging baggage just like him…


About wonderfulshantelle

Journey To My Wonderful Self

Posted on May 1, 2012, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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