These are, I feel, impossible for me… I cannot hold my ground, keep on the path I was on…My path just ‘poof’ dissipates as that important person asks me what I am doing. I lie. I may be on my way home to relax and get an early night’s sleep so that I can wake up early and do my yoga and eat and organize myself and get a crisp start on my day’s work, but that turns into a hologram-like thing, and I am all of a sudden someone else’s. They do not even have to force me to change my mind, because i do not give myself a choice. I abandon my plan for the gratification I think I get from just saying ‘ok’ to someone else. Giving them the satisfaction of me just saying ‘yes’ and being available to them is my vice. And when he is an alcoholic the craziness is even stronger because I feel if I don’t go soon they will be even more drunk, so the quicker I go, the better. Why is my peace of mind not more important to me? What am I missing out on if I carry on with the plan I had in the first place?  That other person will be drunk? That other person will have our house in a mess? That other person will leave our home rather than wait for me. That other person will think I don’t care that they want to see me? I believe that if I am not there for them to care about me they won’t? I believe ‘out of sight, out of mind’? I believe I am something more special than I really am… Like I am doing or being something awesome if I am there with them, but am nothing if I am not? If I am not there I am not [doing the laundry, helping to take care of Kyle, listening to my mother struggle, ‘holding down’ the house, being the partner she needs… I am not in that position anymore. So what am I? Nothing about me mattered except for my compensation for my mother, and her losses and difficulties and loneliness. But now, I do not have to compensate. What does that mean? I do not have to alleviate pain that I did not cause? I do not have to feel the pressure to take care of one thing while I am taking care of or having fun with something else…? I do not have to compensate. I do not have to compensate. I do not have to compensate, I do not have to compensate, I do not have to compensate, I do not have to compensate. G is not alone at home. He does not need help to do anything, cook, clean, feel comfortable, not drink, behave himself. He does not need help with any of those things. I do not have to compensate. Where have i tried to compensate? I do it every day, I know. I would like to focus on that and get comfortable with not compensating… I want to think up some scenarios that I remember and go through them with myself, and imagine what I would do differently and why.


About wonderfulshantelle

Journey To My Wonderful Self

Posted on April 10, 2012, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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