I really miss him but I don’t want to see him because:
– it costs too much for me.
– he asks me for something I don’t want to give when I am just standing there
– I am compelled to put more energy into him
– I am caught up in his apparent kindness but it is not real or lasting
– There is no Karrie there… or a very little part of Karrie… Only the part that gives to him. Not the part that needs or gets anything, or is taken care of or is strong and built up.
– only the sympathetic Karrie (and maybe the Karrie who needs sympathy?! – now there’s a concept… I deplete myself so much looking for sympathy… and look find it in people who do not know how to help themselves. Am i one of those people…?)
– I am using it as a distraction; is doing my dissertation actually more difficult than being in a relationship like that?
– it will make me cry or be angry or something painful like that.