Wrong for me… pt1
I open a web page today – don’t even know how I landed on this one – and there was the question, “WHY Some WOMEN Choose THE WRONG MAN Time and Time and Time Again”
The key part of that question for me is “time and time again”… I am not as concerned by the fact that any one of the people I have been with has not been the right person or good for me, as I am that so many seem to have been the exact same type of bad for me.
I think I now know exactly why I have chosen them. I certainly know how they have be all the same. They have all been in a place waiting for something to come to them. And I have brought as much to them as I possibly could with out shedding my own skin and handing it over. I wonder if I can write a book and make some money to sustain me until I get my shit together…?
I know now lots of the reasons why these men have felt right, and why they are wrong… for me.
They felt right because:
– they looked at me with awe, like they had found what they had been looking for. I had confidence in their display of fascination with me. I could think that I was awesome, even just for the beginning of the relationship.
– they acted like they had the best thing in the world in me; there was an admiration that bordered on foolishness
– they acted like I made them happy.
– they made me feel like I had done something amazing (even though I hadn’t done anything yet, they hadn’t gotten to know me or experience me yet…)
– they really needed someone to give them a positive reaction at the time, and I am very good at that, at optimism, at arguing for them, at just listening even though I don’t agree with them. They thought that I did though, and then put me in the position that I was their support when they needed to justify the less good things they were doing.
– they really needed the open-mindedness that I showed them right away, and I felt so integral to their happiness…. even though they weren’t really happy, but I didn’t wait to find that out before I invested.
– they depend on me for things; encouragement, acceptance; I see their pleasure and feel like that is because of me.
They are wrong for me because
– I feel I need to do things to make them feel good and doing those things extends me too far. And they never seem to notice or perhaps just don’t care. But I don’t care about myself if time after time I overextend myself, don’t get anything in return, and I still do it. I need to care about myself. And then maybe they will.
– Wow, it seems that even I am wrong for me. And as long as that is true,everyone is wrong for me.
– they don’t seem to want to see me happy
– they don’t seem to want to do things with me that make me happy
– they find ways to blame their actions on me.
To be continued… Am in the middle of a work day and am procrastinating. I need to get through this somehow… I think that it is very important… And no matter when I write it it feels like procrastination.